From the mobile phone of Nick E. —
Tom Lucas is more than just a man. He is a demi-god. There are tales about Tom Lucas… Legends. Myths. Wikipedia pages. Here is just some of what I’ve gathered:
In December, many years ago, Tom Lucas shot right out of the womb with the furious speed of a 12-gauge shotgun, blasting into the chest of the doctor, who died on impact. Breast milk was unable to nourish this monster of a baby, who had the body of a midget on horse steroids, with enormous muscles covering his entire physique, including a twelve pack for an abdomen, and bowling balls for biceps. No, instead of milk, this hell spawn of a child required bottles of scotch, cartons of Marlboro Reds, and pounds of bacon to remain well nourished. He would only breastfeed for fun, on other children’s mothers. Tom Lucas lost his virginity before his father. To this day, scientists are still trying to understand this phenomenon. Currently, the most widely accepted theory within the scientific community involves time travel, however the mystery remains unsolved.
In 2001, Tom Lucas, or Disco-TomFoolery, as his techno-biker gang knew him as, pulled off the largest heist in United States history when he stole the entire Detroit Lions football stadium, the Silverdome, and hid it in his garage for a year, forcing the Lions to move to Ford Field to play their games. After a year of partying and cocaine-fueled orgies, Disco-Tom grew tired of the Silverdome, and returned it to its original location. While returning it though, the Detroit Police Department busted him, and he was thrown in jail for 5 years.
During his five-year sentence in the Detroit maximum-security prison known as “Oprah’s Wormhole”, Disco-Tom taught himself how to read and write, with his eyes closed. Using his minds eye, he began to master the art of the written word, and begun crafting novels by using telekinesis to move the pen across the paper. His penmanship was flawless, like a teenage girl on Adderall, and his words and the stories he told were so epic that Shakespeare farted in his grave. Witnesses claim that the fart smelled of roses and romance.
In 2005, Tom was released from “Oprah’s Wormhole” due to good behavior, although historians argue that Lucas perhaps used a Jedi Mind trick to bend the will of the Parole Board.
Tom Lucas became a teacher, and then began publishing novels, the very same novels that he came up with in prison. Leather to the Corinthians was so critically acclaimed that it won an Oscar award, Grammy award, Emmy award, Golden Globe award, Tony award, Academy award, MTV Music award, Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award, The Medal Of Honor, and the Nobel Peace Price, and Pulitzer Prize for the category of “Best Fucking Thing Ever, Holy Shit, Buy This Now” category.
So there you have it folks. Tom Lucas. The man, the myth, the legend, the cliché, the overused phrase. Many deny these legends and myths as lies, fabrications, or something I just came up with right now out of boredom. But others know the truth. Do you believe?
Like = You Believe!
Share = You KNOW!
Comment = You commented!
Wow, I can’t believe I wrote all this crap. I can’t believe YOU read all this crap. uhm yeah, so that’s the end of my post. Special thanks to Morgan Freeman for narrating everything, and Depeche Mode for the original soundtrack.
That’s it folks. I’m done. Can you believe I did this all on my phone? I am NOT going back to proofread, so sorry for errors.
GO BUY HIS BOOK!
Alternately, Tom Lucas was born and raised in Detroit, and although currently enjoying the lack of snow and ice in Florida, remains a son of the post-industrial apocalypse.
He is a college professor, author, blogger, poet, book reviewer, and spoken word performer.
Tom has been published in Writer’s Digest, The South End, The Oakland Press, The Macomb Daily, Orbit, Anthropomorphic, and U. Magazine. He has also been featured in literary journals such as The Write Place at the Write Time, Graffiti Rag, F*cked Up Fairy Tales, and Dark Fire Fiction. As a staunch supporter of spoken word he has performed on the Lollapalooza stage as well as guest spots on CIMX,